The Heart of My Powerfully Imperfect Program

I went live on Insta last week to talk about the origin of my Powerfully Imperfect Program. This program is so close to my heart, like private coaching, it feels like my whole life has led up to it. So I wanted to share some of that background with you. So you can get a glimpse into the heart of the program. 

I have a distinct memory of sitting in my family room, home alone on a summer day, secretly watching an infomercial on these Pilates DVDs.
 
I saw beautiful celebrities boasting about how Pilates changed their bodies. The camera would zoom up on this perfectly chiseled belly, a cellulite-free butt, and of course, thin, toned legs.
 
I remember thinking I need this. I need this to be beautiful. I need this to be loved. To be worthy.
 
So what did I do? I schemed to get it for my mom for her birthday, “she’d love this pilates DVD set!”
 
But obviously: I was getting it for me.
 
I was 12.
 
I remember shopping for swim suits with one of my friends. Her mom made a comment about her wanting a two piece, “Really? You want people to see your stomach?”
 
Noted: belly fat is bad.
 
While I was a normal size growing up, I hit puberty EARLY. Enter: boobs, hips, butt, extra body fat before anyone else. Not only were the fifth and sixth grade boys ruthless (which taught me: people are looking at my body and having opinions about it, and and making comments about it...) but I also started to see myself as bigger than the other girls... and because of the thin ideal culture which praised the twig-skinny Olsen Twins, Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie... I looked at my growing body and thought I was “too big.”
 
Other girls around me were praised as being “so tiny!” I looked at myself and was like, “welp, certainly not tiny.” 
 
I devoured Teen People and Women’s Health Magazine. I read them like the bible. They all told me I needed to fix my belly fat, I needed to tone my legs and arms. I was desperately looking for that secret move that really would blast my belly fat, fast. God forbid I have belly fat, nobody will ever love me.
 
Not to mention the models on the cover were always super (photoshopped) skinny and happy, living the life of their dreams. So obviously, I needed to be skinny to be happy.
 
I prayed that one day there would be a pill I could take, because nothing else seemed to work.
 
I was the youngest kid at our rec center doing step aerobics classes and boot camp classes. By far. 
 
When I got to college, things got worse.
 
Speaking of college, here’s a memory that is INSANE. Ready for it?
 
I got into Boston College in December of 2008. If ya don’t know, BC is very expensive. It was also my dream school that I worked my butt off to get into.
 
I remember not knowing if we could afford it due to the economic crash. I was looking at every possibility, including ROTC scholarships.
 
*Note: if you know me, you know I don’t even so much as want to HOLD a gun in my life. I never, ever want to hurt someone with a bullet, even if I’m defending myself. I just don’t. I have NO desire. Not trying to make a political statement, I just have no want to hold a gun. Ever. So the fact that I considered ROTC is LAUGHABLE.
 
But you know what I thought? I thought about the boot camps and figured, “bright side, I’ll be super fit and skinny…”
 
YEAH.
 
Things got worse in college. I went abroad to Italy the summer after my freshman year, gained some weight, and came home with a mission to lose it all before the semester began. Enter: most restrictive diet of my life... and sticking my finger down my throat when I "messed up."

I lost weight. And I got LOTS of compliments. What did this tell me? It taught me that I must need to be this skinny in order to get compliments and for people to have desirable opinions about my body and me.

And what did this do? It fueled my disordered relationship with food, exercise and myself. More restricting, over exercising, binging and purging.

I was a MASTER at hiding my growing disordered thoughts and behaviors. Nobody knew.
 
Until one day they did.
 
Until one day my sister and best friend found me upstairs after vomiting during a family party.
 
I’ll never forget it. The dark hallways, them looking at me like… why are you up here… again.
 
I was so ashamed.
 
That was also my turning point. When I knew I had to do something about my relationship with my body.

This past week was National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. And while I was never clinically diagnosed, I think it's important to recognize that eating disorders are not black and white. It's not always: you have one or you don't. And we absolutely cannot tell if someone has one by their weight. Any and all disordered thoughts and behavior need to be cared for. But unfortunately, in our culture, many of these disordered thoughts and behaviors are praised as being "healthy" (i.e.: restrictive diets, over-exercising, obsession with clean eating, intermittent fasting, attaching morality to food choices... the list goes on).

Anyways, from that point on, I made it my mission to dive deep into discovering why I had such a horrible relationship with my body. I didn't know health coaching existed. I didn't know how to get a therapist. I was to ashamed to tell my parents anything, so I dare not ask them to help me find said therapist.

So I went at it alone. And lucky for me, due to the nature of my research in college (health communication) and my yoga practice, I eventually found my way out. 

It took me awhile (years) but I found my way to the other side, the life I live today: of loving my body from the inside out.

It's now my passion to spread this body love as far and wide as possible.

And I because I can't coach everyone privately, I created the Powerfully Imperfect Program. 

I synthesized everything I've learned from my own personal journey, my graduate school research in body image, my yoga practice, and my coaching studies/experience into a seven step plan to help you retrain your brain, to carefully, systematically rewire the way you see yourself.

I know that body love starts from the inside. And I am so excited to share this program with you.

So what are you waiting for? Say yes. Decide that now is your time to love your body. That you're worth your time and energy. 

The 28-Day Program begins March 18! Holler at me with any questions you have.